things my adopted daughter has taught me

In the course of the almost 3 years our youngest, who was adopted from China at age 2 1/2, has been home, I have heard some iteration of the phrase “she’s so lucky” many, many times. While I believe that the heart of this message houses good intentions, it’s terribly incorrect. Adoption begins in trauma- a separation of parents and children…mother and daughter…that bond which I so cherish as a mother is broken- right from the start. So, no…she’s not lucky.

My response is usually something like “we are the lucky ones”- which is absolutely true. Shawn and I both have had many solemn moments where we find each other realizing how God’s used Lucy to bless us, teach us, and love us. So, in honor of Adoption Awareness Month, I wanted to make a list of a few of the ways Lucy has taught me….not the other way around. :)

1. There’s a great big world to explore, and we don’t need to fear it. From the moment we received her in China, Lucy has approached every new situation wide-eyed, ready to experience it. I had anticipated some travel anxiety, possible stress from new places- but not this kid. Out of all 3 of our children, she is always the most ready to go- ready for life, adventure, and new experiences. I do believe this is part of her God-given personality, and I can’t wait to see how that passion grows.

2. Compassion comes from paying attention. We were fortunate to get to spend time in China with another family who adopted a son from the same orphanage Lucy lived at. Those two have a bond and a shared history we’ll never fully understand, and I’m so thankful each of them exists for each other. It struck me how compassionate 2 year old Lucy could be with this sweet friend- she was always aware of his feelings and ready to offer a hug when he would cry. She’s the same today- always alert about everyone’s feelings. This has been a struggle point for me- compassion- and I know God gave me this very attentive child to teach me how to be gentle and caring when someone needs it.

3. There’s always room for another chance. I have been so, so critical of myself and my parenting with Lucy- and in turn been critical of her. More critical, even, than with our biological kids if you can believe it. I confess this because there have been so. many. times. that I’ve just plain had to start over. Ask forgiveness. Remember my own Heavenly Father and the forgiveness He’s forgiven me, and try again with Lucy. And guess what? She’s forgiven me every time. And she still likes me, even when I’ve given her plenty of reason not to.

4. I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father. I had head knowledge of my belonging in God’s family- and wonderful experiences to deepen my faith up until Lucy came home, but seeing her face here in our home…enjoying all the special things about her…understanding her past, present and future- ya’ll…there is nothing that drives it home like watching real-life adoption from this perspective. The ways in which I question God’s love for me are so silly when I compare it to the ways that we love Lucy- and God’s love for me is far greater!

   “He came to set free those who were under the authority of the law. He wanted us to be adopted as children with all the rights children have. 6Because you are his children, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts. He is the Holy Spirit. By his power we call God Abba. Abba means Father. So you aren’t a slave any longer. You are God’s child. Because you are his child, God gives you the rights of those who are his children.” Galatians 4:5-7

5. I’ll never be enough for her. Woo, this is a tough one. I referenced it earlier, but there have been a LOT of mistakes and asking for forgiveness on my part. If I had any sense of a “savior complex”, it’s been attacked and torn down, brick by brick (as it should be). Every time I fail, every time she is willing to trust me after I fail- I am reminded that we are both in the care of the most perfect Father- who loves us both more than we could ever love each other. That our needs can ultimately only be met in Jesus. That I am just stewarding my children on this Earth- destined to fail, but already guaranteed a glorious redemption. That’s great news.

Reading back through this list, I’m realizing that only one of these things really has anything to do with the way Lucy came into our family- adoption. And there’s beauty in that, ya’ll. It’s proof that God gave us this petite, smiley miracle on purpose. That He foresaw us struggling together and learning from each other- and decided it was good. Adoption is the way that Lucy came into our family- but day-to-day, she’s just our kid. I can’t imagine life without Lucy Fei. This list is just a speck of the things I’ve learned from her, and I can’t wait to keep doing this life with her. Thank you Father for Lucy Fei!

two years home • lucy fei

Photo by Lauren Clark Photography

Last week we hit the 2 years home mark with Lucy- and I have to say we are in a completely different place than we were this time last year. This year has been hard, but so good at the same time. You can check out her 1 Year Home Check-In here!

Sweet Lucy has continued to be just that- sweet. I love that her natural state is one of curiosity, concern for others, and we can’t get enough of that good-natured smile. She is well loved by us, her family, but also by her teachers and friends.

Physical Health:

Lucy has continued to be in great physical health, though she did battle Flu B a few months ago. The heart condition she was diagnosed with at birth continues to be a nonexistent issue. We’ve had well checks and immunizations (which of course she hated! eek!)- and our pediatrician thinks she looks great. We are so thankful for this.

She has also proven to be quite athletic and is impressing us all at gymnastics. She loves dancing and definitely has some rhythm, too.

We haven’t done any dental work yet, but I have a feeling that is the next focus for us. Unfortunately right now, we aren’t able to go to the dentist (due to COVID-19, the office is closed), but once it’s back open we will be paying a visit.

Language:

Oh my- miss Lucy has SO many words! In fact, she talks so much that sometimes we have to remind her to stop, haha! Honestly, though- we couldn’t be more thankful that this is the case. She spills stories (most of the time completely made up) and paragraphs to us- always has a comment about things. It has given us so much insight into her thoughts and fears. Music has proven to be one of the fastest ways for her to learn, and she cracks us up singing and dancing everywhere. Until COVID-19, she was attending preschool 4 days/week and has learned her colors, several letters, days of the week, and more. Yes, her teacher is amazing!

Sleep:

Lucy has always been a great sleeper, and continues to be so. In fact, she will ask me if it is bed time or nap time and willingly puts herself to sleep! Can you believe it?! Huge blessing to this mama. There have been a few stressful times this year for her in which she has fallen asleep at an unusual time of day in order to cope. It breaks my heart, but I’m also glad that her coping mechanism allows her to rest, and I pray God gives her peace in those times. I am getting better at recognizing it- every person copes with stress in their own way, and just like for our other kiddos- I want to do my best to help her when she needs it.

It took them about 5 minutes outside to “surprise” me with their “new gloves” one day!

Likes/Dislikes:

Music, music, music. Lucy loves music, dancing, wearing alllll the pretty dress-up clothes, and those clickety-clackety plastic princess shoes all over the house. She loves her schedule, any and all kinds of noodles, playing with friends at church and school (which we miss so much right now!).

Lucy is not a fan of bugs/getting dirty, although she does jump in there and test it out from time to time. She can get a good case of FOMO going on if one of her siblings is doing something without her.

Last year we were able to go out for Chinese food on Gotcha Day, but this year, due to COVID-19, we had to stay at home. We still got takeout, though! We have photos from China and last year of Shawn feeding her a dumpling, so this will be tradition. This year, our newly-4 year old wasn’t sure she liked it very much, haha.

Food:

This has been more an area of struggle for us, but that also comes with 3 year old territory. We had an incident this year where Lucy swallowed a hard candy that her big sister got for her (unbeknownst to me- Liv, her older sister, crawled on top of the fridge to get it! Goodness gracious.) Anyway, it obviously scared us both and thankfully she was able to puke it back out (sorry, TMI!)- BUT I was so glad it wasn’t worse. So after that, Lucy has really had some fear about eating certain types of foods- and I don’t blame her. We’ve also just dealt with some stubbornness and boundary-pushing, like you do with a 3 year old. It’s been hard at times. Lucy isn’t the only one being picky or not wanting to eat at mealtimes- it’s all 3 of our kids some days. Shawn and I have disagreed on how to handle it. But Shawn and I did have a heart-to-heart about it and decided that we needed to stick together and help each other out with the rule enforcement at mealtimes, while also showing grace to each other and our kids. Some battles are worth fighting, and some aren’t- and figuring out which battles are which is how I define parenting. :)

I’m very proud that as of late, Lucy has been willing to try new foods, and I have been more intentional about including some “easy” meals each week that I am confident she will like. So while I’m sure our food battles aren’t over, they aren’t near as frequent.

Transition and Siblings:

While I am typing this update, Lucy is standing on top of the picnic table in our backyard. She is wearing her Elsa dress (so is her sister- we had to have two), and she is singing at the top of her lungs. 99% sure this is a completely original song, haha. So transition-wise, she is doing well. Since starting school 4 days at week at the beginning of the year, we have been so impressed with her. So many things have been made easier because she is always wanting to do what big sister does. And, on the other side of the coin, more difficult when she isn’t doing what big sister is doing. We spend a lot of time explaining that they are still different people and will do and want different things sometimes. I am sure Lucy’s desire to always be like Liv will change as they get older (in fact, I hope for it! Sometimes I interpret it as a lack of independence and it annoys me- but I know that it is healthy for her right now). And, we are loving how in sync our girls seem to be with each other and hope it continues to be that way.

This year for Easter we hosted Cinderella and Rapunzel. Knox is a very good sport!

Knox and Lucy have a sweet relationship, and she loves to be chased by him. I love the way she (literally) looks up to him, and pray that they will continue to love each other well.

Already, Lucy has taught me so much with her little life. She may be small, but her story is big and has impacted me for the better. The word I pray for her is “RISE”:

R- righteous woman of God

I- integrity

S- secure in her Savior

E- empathetic encourager

If you’re reading this, you’re probably part of the village that prayed her home. Thank you so much for that. We are ever grateful for the gift that God has given us in this child. The journey isn’t always easy, but goodness it is so worth it.

I did a little interview with Lucy last night. Here is what she had to say:

Check out my other posts on adoption here:

How We Connected With Our Adopted Daughter We Had Yet To Meet

“Congratulations, you have a daughter in China!”

I cried hearing those precious words from our adoption agency worker. 

I will never forget the cocktail of emotions I felt after that phone call. Shock that all of our paperwork actually went through and was approved by both the U.S. government and the People’s Republic of China. Elation that she was ours. Fear of all the unknown. Humbled and thankful to finally be at this part of the process. To be her mother. 

And then the overwhelm set in. Oh gosh, what now?! Besides the new stack of more paperwork, there was packing and planning to be done- we were actually going to get our daughter in China! 

Our agency told us that it would be around 3 months before we could leave to meet her and bring her home, as official paperwork needed to process and other preparations were to be made. My heart tinged with sadness as I realized that our daughter would be spending her second birthday in the orphanage. We wouldn’t be there for three more months. How was she to know that there was a family on the other side of the world, so excited to meet her and bring her home?

All the time, I found myself thinking about what it might be like for the daughter we had yet to meet. Being told you have a family but having no concept of what a family is…watching your entire world transition but not fully understanding why. And then that inevitable day when two strangers come to hold you and speak to you in words you don’t understand. Gosh. It was going to get harder before it got better. 

I was so desperate to connect with our new daughter- to make this transition better in any way I could. Our agency suggested sending a care package to her, and I jumped at the chance. I knew that anything I might send such as blankets, toys, or clothing might be shared with other children in the orphanage (which was fine with me- the need is so great), but I knew one thing I must include in the package- a photo book.

Being a professional photographer, I have many resources to high quality printers and album companies, but for this photo book I needed something that was appropriate for tiny toddler fingers, not a bride and groom. So, I scoured the internet looking for something durable and kid-friendly. 

Pinhole Press’s board book was perfect. The size and rounded edges were ideal for her tiny toddler fingers. The pages were thick and glossy and would be protected from any nibbles or bottle spill. The pre-made templates on their website were so easy to customize with our names and photos. I included photos of each member of our family with our names on the corresponding page. The dogs even got their own pages, as did a few photos of our home. I wanted her to be familiar with as much as possible when she finally arrived home. 

Once we received the book in the mail, I was so pleased with the result. The print quality was excellent and the colors were bright and beautiful. I mailed it to China a few days later. 

Months later, we arrived in China to meet our girl. The day we received her was long and emotional, so I forgot that our daughter’s foster mother had given me a USB drive until about a week later. You can imagine my elation when I saw a photo of our sweet Lucy holding her book. 

Lucy with her book in China, March 2018

Lucy almost 1 year later- February 2019

I am so thankful I had this tool to connect with our daughter before ever meeting her. International adoption is a challenging but worthy process and little things like this make it so much personal and sweet. I love that our Lucy will get to keep this book as a part of her story, and I’m confident that before we ever spoke the same language, she knew me and I knew her.

six months home (two months late) • lucy fei

So I thought I had blogged an update at Lucy’s 3 month mark home, but it was 1 month home! You can find that post here. The fact that I didn’t remember correctly and the fact that I wasn’t able to get that 3-month update out are good indicators as to where I’ve been mentally and physically. :)

When friends ask how Lucy is doing since has been home, our answer is generally that Lucy is exceeding all our expectations. We as parents, however, have been our biggest disappointment. We laugh about this, but it is true, and something we are getting to be ok with. The transition from 2 to 3 kids has been a doozie for us. Namely, being outnumbered and also the 2 and 3 year old girls keep us on our toes. I joke that they have a “sit down” alarm- just as we sit down, they have a new need. But I digress, this blog is about our sweet Lucy- not our struggles as parents (or is it?!?)

At the end of this month, we will have reached the 6 month mark. I anticipated this milestone because in many of the books and resources I read pre-adoption, it was advised to not make any hard-and-fast judgments about your newly-adopted child for at least 6 months. This makes sense for medical conditions, physical development and abilities- some things take a while to really show themselves, and to find what treatment is best- but as far as emotional capacity and personality- I have thrown that idea out the window. It’s going to be much longer than 6 months.

I am certain the honeymoon stage is over- this summer was a wild ride and we were all just there for the party, haha! We traveled a LOT (family camp, New Mexico, a cruise to Mexico), and I’m really glad we did. Many families choose to cocoon (stay home in a stable and familiar environment) once a child is brought home, and we have definitely soaked up our time at home. But the travel and change of scenery IS our family- and seeing Lucy soak it all in and live it to the full was just another reminder that God knew she would find a home with us. So as we’ve been home more often and settled into a new routine, it’s been interesting to see how we’ve all adjusted. In many ways it has been great to get to establish “home” and routine. It’s also brought out a lot of what hangs out underneath the surface- trauma. More on this in a bit.

Physical body:

Lucy is definitely growing- she already looks quite different to me than she did when we first met her. She has only gained two pounds since being home, but has remained very healthy with the exception of some allergies/runny nose. We started gymnastics last month and she is doing amazing. We are all impressed with her balance and ability to execute what she is asked to do. It is a mommy-and-me (although daddy may have done it more than I have!) class, so I think it has been great bonding time as well.

Surprisingly, Lucy is now potty-trained! This is not something we expected, but we are thrilled about! I am pretty sure this is partially thanks to her foster mother in China who had already been working with her, and her PDO teacher who is amazing. Lucy was just ready about a month ago, and it helps that Liv is just a year older and she has been able to watch her.

Emotional:

You guys, our Lucy is sweet. Since we first met her, we could see that she is a compassionate soul. She deeply cares for others and is quick to comfort another and apologize. She gets her feelings hurt easily (remember, 2 year old here!), but is quickly comforted and back to playing. She is quick to smile and her laugh is the BEST. I am so thankful for that smile. It has reassured me many times when I have felt like I’m not connecting with her.

Speaking of- let’s talk about attachment really quick. Attachment is a a term used to describe a child’s level of bonding or close relationship with a parent. With kids adopted from China, it is not uncommon that they first attach to the father, which is what happened with Lucy. She was immediately more comfortable with (and comforted by) Shawn. She would run to me when she was upset, but there have been many moments where she preferred him. This was tough because at first Shawn felt like I was being overly-sensitive about it (something I have definitely been guilty of), but he has come to see what I am talking about, which has made us on the same team. It is so much easier to parent when you are on the same team as your spouse!

As far as she is concerned, we just want her to feel comfort! So any attachment in our eyes is wonderful. As far as I, as her mother, am concerned, this is HARD. Mentally, I understood that it wasn’t about me, but emotionally, I was dealing with all the negative marks on my ability as a mother. And to add to that, it was like her baggage had finally arrived at our home, and mine was stacked up right behind hers. This bonding process has forced me to look into some of my own trauma (yes, apparently I have some!), wrong thinking, and heart-issues- it has been awful to confront at times BUT I am so thankful to have come out the other side with more FREEDOM than ever to really trust God, as a person and a parent. I will write more on this later, because I think it is something all parents (and people) deal with- not just ones with adopted kiddos.

So- attachment is happening- which we are super thankful for. Some days we can really see it, some days we wonder where she went. And this is due to one thing: trauma.

Many people who have reached out to us regarding adoption (which we LOVE to talk with anyone about- we are not experts but we love adoption)- have a similar question: what is her trauma like? Sometimes it is asked in a way that assumes there will be less trauma based on her young age at the time of her adoption. I am pretty sure this is at the core of what most people mean when they say, “so how is she adjusting?”.

The truth is any adopted child will have experienced trauma. In the womb, shortly after being born, in experiencing the loss of biological parents, dealing with complex medical issues or basic needs that aren’t being met- all of these things result in trauma. It’s just part of the reality- adoption begins in brokenness.

Trauma for our house right now looks like a general distrust in caregivers (us as parents). Lucy frequently asks for food, needs to be told where she is going and that she will come home WITH US, some grappling for control over toys or shoes, and the hardest one for me to see- complete emotional withdrawal. Lucy is an internalizer, so when she chooses to cry, we are thankful and sad at the same time.

What I have learned is that so much of it is out of my control. The trauma she has experienced is not my fault, and it’s not her fault. It doesn’t even help to place blame, really- it’s just there and must be recognized for what it is. I am comforted by the fact that time will help, and she is going to forever be in our family. I am also comforted by the fact that we serve the Ultimate Healer. God sees all our broken parts (ones we don’t even know we have), and He delights in drawing close to those hard places. We will get through this with Jesus. It helps so much to give trauma a name. It rends it powerless because we know the One who IS power. This is something Lucy will deal with all her life, because it is part of her story (and all of ours now), and my hope is that we are able to give her a great foundation in recognizing trauma, giving it a name, and proclaiming victory in Jesus over it.

I’m so proud of our girl in this arena. Though we have some really tough days, watching her trust has taught me so much. She has little reason to trust us- we’ve only been in her life 6 months- and yet she does. What a miracle!

Food:

Haha- I mentioned this before, but Lucy LOVES food. Some of that is rooted in her past life- the need to know food is always available and she can have as much as she wants has been important. We turned around after dinner last night and she had pulled a huge container of raisins out of the pantry and was finishing it off at the dinner table! It feels good to see her eat and be full. That doesn’t mean we don’t have to bribe her like any other 2 year old, though.

She feeds herself 90% of the time and loves noodles, rice, bread- all the carbs! Spaghetti is always a hit. Our family is at Chick-Fil-A at least once a week as well and it is a fave. She is generally willing to try everything we sit in front of her. Again, so thankful for this. I know many adoptive kids have food-related issues.

Likes/Dislikes:

Lucy loves music. I have been taking the girls to a music class put on by our parks and rec department and she looooooves it. If there is music playing, she is singing or dancing or both. I am positive she will learn most of her English through song. She is also quite good at imaginative play- I think because she watches her sister so much. They play with their Barbies, baby dolls, kitchen, etc. and there is always a scenario happening we are invited into. She loves to be chased and tickling

Lucy is quite friendly and plays well with other kids, although she likes to keep her distance and get a feel for the environment. She started going to Parents’ Day Out two days a week at the beginning of September and has done really well.

She does not like to be dirty- which is the opposite of her sister! I have been on alert for sensory issues that are common with adopted kiddos, but this does not seem to be that. She just really doesn’t like dirt- or anything on her skin, for that matter. She kindly requests a towel at least 3 times a day. :)

Language:

Lucy is doing amazingly well. She understands most everything we say to her and is repeating everything…all the time! If you are a parent, you know I say this with a little weariness, haha. But- we are so impressed with her and clearly have a very smart girl. Her love of music has been very helpful in teaching her new words, and she can even put together a few short sentences. We have not changed the way we speak to her at all, and she has not seemed to have any trouble with it.

Sleep:

This, for me, has been the hardest. Lucy actually sleeps great. It’s the getting there that has been tough. I have felt the need to rock her to sleep so that we could bond- I rocked both Liv and Knox- and Lucy prefers to just be laid down so she can put herself to sleep (the traditional way in China, and the way she’s always known). This has been a struggle as my desire to rock her has met her rejection and it’s hard at the end of the day to not take that too personally. I also hate knowing she may be just laying there in bed, wide awake, scared and trying to soothe herself to sleep. I want to soothe her. She will let me rock her to sleep at naptime, but in the evenings it is very difficult and I realize she probably has some trauma related to falling asleep (like, for instance, falling asleep at a government office and suddenly being with new people who don’t speak your language- which is exactly what happened the day we received her). So, we have some work to do here. But all in all, she is a great sleeper when she is asleep!

Super thankful to Lauren Clark Photography for all of these images we will treasure. She shot this lifestyle session for us and I was amazed at the images she was able to get with all the crazy we handed her.